You know, being in the moment is so important. Because without it, we are not really anywhere. What has happened is in the past, no need to torture yourself over it. Oh, and alas, the future.
No one knows what it holds.
Maybe god doesn't even know what it holds, maybe he spends his time just as curious as we are. Even so, no matter what your belief is, we're stuck in this never ending now. It isn't always a bad thing. It teaches people acceptance, love and of course courage. If you're reading this, you may disagree entirely. You may think, the world sucks, my life is pointless and why should I give a damn?
I was and am that person at certain points throughout the day.
I suffer, just like you.
We all fall down, together.
There are days where we all feel like total crap, maybe weeks, months or years. But who ever said that wasn't ok? It's okay to be miserable sometimes because without it, you know, we wouldn't be able to tell when we're happy.
If you're like me, and you're on antidepressants, and you've been on them longer than a month, you'll know how boring they can feel. You can't feel super happy and you can't feel super sad. It's just part of the drill. Everything is a shade of gray. But as they say, every cloud has it's silver lining.
So what? I may have been born with depression, but so what? I've seen the extremes, I've been everywhere you think you've been and I've bled every drop you have. Life is full of sadness, but without it, we would take the happy moments for granted.
Anyway, enough of my rambling.
School starts in a few days and well, who reallllllly wants to go back? You're an idiot if you really think you're ready. The grass is always greener. When you're in school, summer sounds so nice, and when you're on summer vacation school sounds like a haven for the bored morons. Since all we have is the present, remember that what we have in the moment is what is special and the greener fields you picture in your head are the fields you're standing now.
All you have to do is look around.

Memories

Dear Best Friend,

I've been praying to see you more, and all I can think about is how much I miss you and love you. As they say in that song, "All of my memories keep you near."
Now I have to go another school year without you. Another day passes that you're not in my life anymore because of the distance. I hate it, and I think it's why I'm so sad and I can't move on. I need help to move on, and you were the one who would always help me, but now I am being told I have to do this on my own. I'm scared, but please know darling I'll always love you. I never want to lose you, but I feel like I already have. I got a call from you today, and I can't stop thinking about you and how much I miss the good life I had while you were here. I really hope you come back to visit soon because there is this wrenching feeling in my gut everyday I wake up. I've allowed it to eat at me, knaw at my innards.
I feel panicked and scared.
Alone and helpless.
Please, are you there?
I'm so desperate I'm asking every fucking god in the universe to help. I'm clawing at my souls face for some sort of release, a release I cannot find. I refuse to give up and move on, because people like you don't just grow on trees.
I feel sort of silenced too. I have to go to a school where I feel like a freak, some sort of outcast that everyone views different.
I feel like I don't greive right, and I'm just starting to grieve now that it's been almost a year since your move. I'm still waiting for your parents to go, "JUST KIDDING!", but it doesn't happen.

-V.

Love

Does it exist?
Yes.
Love seems like such a confusing thing. If you sit there and ask yourself the question, "Do I love my mom? What is love? What does it feel like? How does it make me feel?"
If anything it should make you feel really really weird. You can drive yourself nuts over thinking these sorts of things. The fact of the matter is, love is so simple it's complex. I heard this quote once, I don't know who it was by, so please, I apologize.
"Making the simple complicated is easy, making the complicated simple is brilliant."
This sums up love.
Understanding that it just is.
Period.
The greatest things in life are perhaps not meant to be thought of deeply, for they would drive any sane man or woman mad. However, we must think of these things in a way of being grateful for them. They're special and by all means beautiful.
Never take life for granted, for it is beautiful.

-V. 

Life is a B*tch...

Alright so, this weekend has kind of sucked to put it blunt. Life decided to screw me in the face in many aspects. I lost one of my friends, which I really still do love her, but her reasons for distancing herself rather vex me. Although this stinks, I know that this is a part of life and some people move on from parts of our life. I've learned that the real people, the "real friends" are there to share a piece of their destiny with you in the course of life. Pain hurts, it sometimes feels like someone is ripping your heart out...

This summer, I spent a week in the hospital. I met a boy there who was fourteen and was a danger to the other patients because of his rage issues. I never really knew his illness, but I knew one thing.
Everyone was afraid of this boy.
One day, he was sitting off in a corner staring angrily at the floor. Many of the other people, including the nurses, avoided him.
Except me.
I approached this boy and watched the rage pulse through him. My heartrate jumped up a couple of notches, fearing that this was maybe a bad idea.
"Hey."
No response from him.
I sat there for a few hours with him and just talked. It was mainly just a one-sided conversation, with me, myself and I. He sat there and listened, occasionaly looking at me with his dark foreboding eyes. His hands twitched restraining the urge to grab me and throttle the life out of my little body, for I kept talking and talking. Finally, he spoke.
"Wanna... Wanna know what, um, happened to make me like this?"
I looked at him, doe eyed that he actually spoke.
"Yes, hun, I do."
The boy raised a fist to his chest and made a cutting motion, reinacting someone cutting open his chest with a blade. He then violently clutched at the place where his heart is, and ripped his own invisible heart out.
"She did this to me."
A girl had broke him, broke his heart...

Now see, the moral of this story is that everyone feels heartbreak, and sometimes we forget that. It's okay to feel hurt, and allow ourselves to be human. The boy I met earlier this summer was exactly that, human, yet he was viewed as something more deadly because of the pain he was feeling. The only thing more deadly than ourselves is ourselves and our inner demons we must combat. It really is a spiritual war, life is. All we can do is decide how to train our army to fight ourself.

-V.

So, welcome me? :)

So, I mine as well start off with how I'm feeling. I'm coming out of my depression to say the least. It was a living hell. However, to all of you out there who are reading this, know that negative feelings aren't facts and that they can change. Sometimes in life, we forget that it is ever changing. Nothing stays the same ever. The other day while I was at work, a young lady came in. She was one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen. As I was helping here, she completely opened up to me about how lonely she was because she felt that her friends and her life here just wasn't a fit for her.
Sound framiliar?
To me it did.
Now don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my friends.However, many I have lost in the course of life. Things change, people move, die and evolve.
I digress.
I told this young woman that although people may leave our life, new ones come in, and thus is the cycle. It may feel like total shit sometimes. I get it. But remember that everything is a temporary moment, even loneliness. Sometimes we get hurt, sometimes we fall down. But as they say in Batman, we fall to learn to pick ourselves back up.